I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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