He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
You ate ashes out of my bong
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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