Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Are my feet made of real feet?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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