The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
