I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
