even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Randomize
