Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Did we literally take a cab across the street
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
