I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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