apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
