I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
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