What tipped you off? The sombrero?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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