how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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