This is not my ceiling
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
