Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
