Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
