plz talk dirty to me
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
