This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
