3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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