Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
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