sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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