I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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