Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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