No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
