Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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