hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
