I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
