Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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