Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
