I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
