I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
