Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
