I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I just saw a hot homeless man
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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