WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
where are my eyebrows?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
