I'd wear matching sweaters with you
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Randomize
