I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
