how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
