i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
How external is "for external use only"?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
