Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
