I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
