Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize