i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
