I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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