I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
