I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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