No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Randomize
