I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
