What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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