were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
