You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize