You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
