I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Randomize
