apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
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