I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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