new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Is Oprah even human
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize